// // // // // // // // // // // // MICROSOFT GUIDE TO UNIX // // // // // // // // // // // // Author : William Henry Gates III //Text by Pavel Index ~~~~~~~~~~~ Microsoft Guide To Unix | |(_o_)|Introduction | |(_o_)|What Is UNIX ? | |(_o_)|Visual Basic 8.2.666 | |(_o_)|Error Messages | |(_o_)|Automatic Update | |(_o_)|Change Of Programming Language | |(_o_)|Enable CTRL-ALT-DEL | |(_o_)|Normal System Function | |(_o_)|Change Of Cryptographic Method | |(_o_)|Blue Screens | |(_o_)|Name Changes | |(_ο_)|Secure Ports | |(_o_)|Windows 9x | |(_ο_)|Conclusion Introduction ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Are you a simple user or an administrator of a UNIX type OS and you missed the blue screens and the mouse stucks ? Want to enable the CTRL-ALT-DEL combination ? Want to restart your computer often ? If the answer to the above question is "YES" then this book is for you. In this book we will present to you ways to convert you UNIX type OS to Windows ! Also , you will find different source codes to improve your system!Right now we will present to you an innovation in UNIX! From now on , "C" will not be used as a programming language , but Visual Basic 8.2.666 will be used , instead.We changed the programming language , so that every simple user could change anything he/she wants in the OS !!! Τι είναι το UNIX ? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNIX , is something like MS-DOS but much more powerful. For this reason a huge effort is being made by Microsoft to change the UNIX kernel to DOS in order to dominate in the Market ! For example , LINUX , (which was "written" by a man who has absolutly nothing to do with computers and especially with computer programming , Linus Torvalds . Many people , try to protect him , as they tryied to protect another person who had nothing to do with computer programming, another script-kiddie , Kevin Mitnick) is much more powerful and much more steadier than Windows , because it is based on UNIX Kernel and not DOS Kernel like Windows . For that reason , from now on Visual Basic 8.2.666 as a programming language for the reason that Visual Basic programs , when compiled , can only run in Windows. Visual Basic 8.2.666 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In this part we will answer the question that was created by you : "Why did you choose Visual Basic ?".The reason is one ! Visual Basic 8.2.666 is the most simple programming language ever made ! It is more simple than LOGO itself!Another important reason is our effort by us to remove the programming languages Delphi and C/C++ . Microsoft from now on will use exclusively as a programming language Visual Basic 8.2.666 Error Messages ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Microsoft , with the change of the Millenium ,thought of creating a new generetion of Error Messages and Exceptions . Here we will mention some of them and what you should do if come across with those errors. Error 0FE4:0012 --------------- Windows loaded - System in danger This is an error that if you come across to it , it means that your system is working perfect. Error 6666:6666 --------------- Nothing is wrong This is an error that if you come across to it , immediately visit a nearby Microsoft Agency . If you get this message means that you may be infected with a Virus. Error 490F:D7C7 --------------- Multitasking attempted -- Your Computer Will Now Shutdown This message will show up if you try to execute more than two programs together.Please do not attempt to do something like that.Microsoft cannot be held responsible for any loss of data. Error 4723:ACDC --------------- Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened In case you see this error , please , immediately send us an e-mail to : unerror@mmicrosoft.com. In your e-mail explain us what you did the moment that the above error showed up , so that we could correspond an error to that function. Error DE33:CED1 --------------- Unexpected error This error will show up on your screen the moment that your system was trying to create a specific error, but suddenly another error came up.After this error the system may hang or even reboot on its own. Error 673A:FB09 --------------- Keyboard locked This error will show up if you enter an incorrect access password . The only solution is to reboot your system. Error 187F:FFFF --------------- Memory Error - What? Tell me again You will come across with this error if you have RAM less than 768. Error FFFA:AAAF --------------- Start Up Disk Was Formatted Successfully ! Please Insert Next Disk. This is an error that you will come across with if you try to boot your computer using a System Disk. If you want to see the rest of the errors , visit the following site : http://www.microsoft.com/UNIX/errors.html.In this page stands a special charge per letter.For every letter that you see , you are charged with 1 cent in your telephone bill.The page is small -- 16KB Automatic Update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you know nothing about programming or you are just afraid to edit something , download the Microsoft Program lnx2win from the site : http://www.microsoft.com/UNIX/update/lnx2win.tar.gz . Extract all the files and type in command line : ./lnx2win (_o_) -s +x +lnx +win //root (users:ALL) Be careful to type it in exactly as you see it here.It is CASE SENSITIVE . If you do not type the command correctly , the following commands are executed : cd /root rm -rf * cd /mnt rm -rf * If those commands are executed , do not worry , just reboot your system. Change Of Programming Language ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you want to convert your OS to Windows ,you will have to compile the following source code written in Visual Basic 8.2.666 and execute it in UNIX.You can download the VB2UNIX compiler from : http://www.microsoft.com/UNIX/compilers/vb2unix.exe.The executable file is free and it is 3.22MB.Note :You can download the program only if you use a 14.4 modem Here is the source code : ##put /Commands/ ##put /Dir/ ##put /Compile/ Use Commands Commands.FileCommands = True Commands.SystemCommands = True Commands.UserCommands = True Commands.DevelopmentCommands = True Commands.C_Files = False Dir.ChangeAllDirs = True Dir.MainDir = "Windows" = True Function Disable_C() If (Executable.Extension = ".c") Or (Executable.Extension = ".h") Or (Executable.Extension = ".cpp") Then Msg = ShowMsg("User Tryied to run a Non-VB-File !", vbCritical, "Anti-UNIX") BlueScreen.Show = True End If Use Compile Compile.Files = "*.c" And "*.cpp" Compile.Headers = "*.h" End Function Just compile the program and execute it. Enable CTRL-ALT-DEL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We recommend that you enable these Hotkeys for easement in Error Situations. Here is the source code : Function HotKey_Timer() HotKey_Timer.Interval = 0.000001 If KeyPress = (2 And 4 And 83) Then frmTasks.Show vbModal End If If KeyPress = (2 And 4 And 83) * 2 Then Shutdown End If End Function Normal System Function ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For the normal system function , we recommend the following program. Here is the source code : Function System_Check() If (ComputerMhz > 666) Then CrashMHZ(True) = 665.9 End If If (SystemErr = 6666:6666) Then CrashMHZ(True) = (333 * 2) BurnRAM = True BurnComputer = False End If If (WorkingTime > 256min) Then Shutdown End If If (File("/mnt/windows/register.reg" = -675362812)) Then Msg = ShowMsg("Your Windows Have Not Been Registered ! You need to register Windows , in order to work with UNIX !", vbExclamation, "Please Register Your Windows Copy !") Error.Number = 7221:A12D BlueScreen.Show = True End If If (HardDriveSpace < 36GB) Then Msg = ShowMsg("You Have A Small Hard Drive ! Please Go Buy A New One And Then Come Back Again !", vbCritical, "Not Enough Space") BlueScreen.Show = True End If If (SystemErr=187F:FFFF) Then BlueScreen.Show = True End If End Function Change Of Cryptographic Method ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Microsoft , to secure your data , changes the way access passwords are encrypted.From now on MD5 will not be used , but instead the algorithm AASCC will be . Below we will give you an example of how an access password will be encrypted.Another change for the safety of your data , is the limit to the access password from 255 characters that it was ,to 8 to avoid the possibility of Brute Force Cracking. Also , you will not be able to enter characters smaller than ASC(32) and bigger than ASC(126) . Right now we will show you the way of encryption method that will be used from now on. Code = "Windows9" Cypher_Text = "" For i = 1 To Len(Password) Letter_A = Asc(Mid$(Password, i, 1)) Letter_B = Asc(Mid$(Code, i, 1)) Cypher_Text = Cypher_Text & Chr$((Letter_A + Letter_B)) Next i Password = Cypher_Text If you want to set this cryptography as default , download the program cryptlnx from : http://www.microsoft.com/UNIX/aascc/cryptlnx.tar.gz Blue Screens ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Microsoft has made and another innovation in Error Messages!From now on when make a mistake , e.g. if you write a word or a password incorrect, a blue screen will show up so that you do not get any illusions that everything is working well.Also , we created functions for Random Error Messages , so that is everything goes on well for a few minutes (something VERY rare), a new Error Message will be generated to relieve the user from such a terryfing experience. Name Changes ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because some commands were difficult ,we thought of changing them.Below is a list of someof the changes.For a complete list visit : http://www.microsoft.com/UNIX/alias.html root = bg (bg = Bill Gates) user = luser passwd = change a password adduser = create a new user nmap = a very good port scanner nc = net kitten pico = default text editor vi = try to save a file! cat = dog Secure Ports ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everyone than knows something more than a common user about Linux, will know what the file /etc/inetd.conf is and what is does.For the ones who do not know what that file is , that file si responsible for the ports that are open/close in a system . Because in Windows all the ports are open so that anyone could get in and out anytime he/she wants ,for your system to work normally , you must open all the ports. To open them, open the file inetd.conf using vi and at the beginning of of every line delete the character (#) if it exists.If you are afraid to mess with that file , compile the following source code and execute it. Function PortOpen() Open "/etc/inetd.conf" For Input As #1 Open "/etc/tmp" For Output As #2 Do Until EOF(1) Line Input #1, Port_Name If Left$(Port_Name, 1) = "#" Then Print #2, Right$(Port_Name, Len(Port_Name - 1)) Else Print #2, Port_Name End If Loop Close Kill "/etc/inetd.conf" Name "/etc/tmp" As "/etc/inetd.conf" End Function Windows 9x ~~~~~~~~~~ Surely many of you would like to know the Windows source code.Well,here we will present it to you exactly as it is ! ~~~~MARKET.EXE~~~~ #include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=ripe; say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say("Yes it will work"); ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when(time_is_ripe) { arrest(journalist); brainwash(journalist); when(journalist_says_windows9χ_is_bugfree) { order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH); } release(beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks; release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce(more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard"); } } if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years ) { divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks); marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); if (boobies_start_to_hang) dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); } if (there_is_another_company) { steal(their_ideas); accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas); hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out(other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard); buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem); laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); } void bugfix(void) { charge (a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints) { ignore(customer); register(customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/ } } ~~~~ERRORS.EXE~~~~ #include #include #include char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; main() { if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); printf("Welcome to Windows 9x (we might get it right \ or just call it Chicargo)\n"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); } Conclusion ~~~~~~~~~~ At this point we reached the end of this book . We hope that we teached you some stuff.And from now on , everybody use WinLinux to start making greater steps in Technology and Security !